we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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