when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
