I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
