I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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