Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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