why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
