one two three fourrrrnication!
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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