Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
