Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
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