Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
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