woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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