I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
