i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
