Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
