i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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