Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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