I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
