So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
