You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
