We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
