Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
There was a lot of him and a little penis
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
