she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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