You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
