the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
