I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
