i wish peter jackson would direct porn
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
