just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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