i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
