Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
God, I missed his penis.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
