I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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