Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
not ubering you a puppy
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