Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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