Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
