nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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