I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
