I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I am naked and annoyed.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
