Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
