Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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