You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
My bed smells like the plague
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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