Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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