oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
