dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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