Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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