you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
