you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
