Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
