i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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