im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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