Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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