Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
