dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
