are you still at the devil's house?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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