Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
