my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
