cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
