Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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