I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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