honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Randomize
