I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
