I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
