i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
